don't be a fat american!

summary: people should break their current habits and use the metric system, 24-hour time, only lowercase letters and the dvorak simplified keyboard layout.
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first i will explain my use of the term "fat american".  skip this paragraph if i've not insulted you.  i do not intend to insult fat people.  being fat doesn't make you a bad person.  if eating makes you happy, and if the purpose of life is being happy, then you're fulfilling the purpose of life by being fat.  i have plenty more to say for and against being fat but it's a little off topic for this note.  anyway, by the word "fat" i mean "lazy".  using these two words synonymously is not okay, just like it's not okay to use "gay" and "stupid" synonymously.  but i did it anyway, and i apologize.

here are some things that people in general (but particularly americans) need to break the habit of using:

american [measurement] system 
everyone knows that the metric system is superior.  learn your weight in kilograms, your height in meters, and the mileage your car gets in kilometers per liter.  then when someone asks you for any of this information and you give it in different units than they expect, you can make them feel stupid for using fat american units and not getting with the times.  always speak in metric units!

like the metric system on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Metric-system/54404422195


am/pm (12 hour time)
have you ever asked yourself why we have am and pm?  there are 24 hours in a day.  how will you identify them? here's an idea: number them 1 to 24.  oh wait -- better idea: name the first one 12am, the next few 1am to 11am, the 13th one 12pm, and the rest 1pm to 11pm.  okay even better idea: we'll have 1-6am, 1-6bm, 1-6cm and 1-6dm so it's always clear which quarter of the day it is.  so anyway, why did they split it up into am and pm? answer: because it was inconvenient to fit 24 hours on a mechanical clock.  12 hour time was also more convenient for sundials.  these days we use digital clocks, so the original purpose of using 12 hour time is obsolete.  the only thing it does for us now is make us set our alarms incorrectly so they wake us up 12 hours late -- either you forgot to set am/pm for the clock's alarm time or you set it incorrectly for the clock's current time.  it also makes adding and subtracting times more difficult.  so please, use 24-hour time!  never buy a clock that doesn't have a 24-hour time option.  change your clocks, computers and phones to display times in 24-hour format.  think in terms of 24-hour time.  when people ask for the time, tell them the 24-hour time.

like military time or 24-hour time on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/24-hour-time/111452262206734


capital letters
have you ever asked yourself why there are two versions of each letter?  say it was up to you to design an alphabet for your kingdom.  you choose to have 30 symbols so that there aren't too many to memorize and so the words are not too long.  great!  then someone says, "hey dude, you should create a different version of every letter for use certain types of words and occasions!".  you then slap him upside the head for his dumb idea - the idea that we all live by.
why are there two versions for each letter?  there weren't always.  it started out in all caps.  but capitals are hard to write.  people started finding shortcuts to writing the letters, and these shorthand ways became known as the lowercase letters.  lowercase letters exist because they're easier to write!  it would've been great if we started out with the lowercase letters because nobody would've taken the effort to create uppercase letters.  now we have 2 of each letter, which makes things unnecessarily complicated.  it makes english more difficult to learn, it means people have to waste time hitting the shift key every time they start a sentence, etc.

"but capitals make it easy to find the beginning of the sentence."
look for periods instead.  use two spaces after periods.  the extra space and the period will make it clear that you started a new sentence.  if necessary, write the first letter bigger, but still lower case.

"but capital letters distinguish proper nouns from regular nouns."
it's clear from context whether you're talking about a generic god or the christian god, or whether you're using "mom" as a name or talking about your maternal parent.  if context isn't good enough, use quotes or italics.

"but how do you indicate yelling? how do you emphasize something?"
use an exclamation point or two.  usually yelling is unnecessary and shows immaturity, anyway.  for emphasis, underline or use boldface.

"if i don't use capital letters, people will think i'm stupid!"
make sure you use punctuation properly and strictly adhere to all other grammar rules.  things like run-on sentences, confusing "you're" with "your", extraneous commas and spelling errors are some things that really make people look stupid.  if you do everything else right then it'll be clear that your nonuse of capital letters is intentional.

please, write everything in lowercase whenever you can!  it's okay to make an exception if you're applying for a job, but intentionally capitalizing letters when messaging your friends is nothing but a cocky way to show off how educated you think you are.  disable auto-capitalization on your phone and word processor.

like "not using uppercase letters" on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/not-using-capital-letters/132367043444834


qwerty keyboard
believe it or not, the qwerty keyboard was designed to make typing difficult!  typewriters jammed if you typed too fast on them, so they arranged the keys so that you were forced to type slowly.  come the personal computer, only qwerty keyboards sold because people were already used to this layout.  the dvorak keyboard layout was designed to make typing easy and fast, and it prevents typing-related injuries.  learn to type on a dvorak keyboard!

change the settings on your operating system to use the dvorak layout:
windows: http://www.microsoft.com/enable/training/windowsxp/keyboardlayout.aspx
mac: http://www.chimoosoft.com/articles/dvorak.php

buy stickers to transform your existing qwerty keyboard into a dvorak keyboard, or a dvorak keyboard cover for macs:
http://www.amazon.com/s?url=Daps&field-keywords=dvorak+simplified+keyboard+stickers

like the dvorak keyboard on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dvorak-Keyboard/112627248756266



the old way is so much easier, and it's what everybody else uses!  the new way is too complicated!
for anyone who is learning to tell time, work with units in science or type on a keyboard for the first time, the formats i've proposed are easier to learn and/or superior.  the only reason these things are difficult for you to use is because you're used to your own backward ways. converting will be a challenge, and in the long run it may not be worth it for you.  you will face opposition from your peers and particularly from those in older generations.  but we do need to change our ways eventually, and the sooner we do it the better.  this will not necessarily make our own lives easier, but it will simplify the lives of future generations.  each generation we wait is another generation of people who will have to put up with americans' backward ways.  now, just because everyone else does it the wrong way is no excuse.  if everyone says "but no one else is using ___" then no one will switch and nothing will happen.  have some sense of efficacy!  if everyone says "nobody else is doing it but i'll go ahead and do it anyway because i know it's right," -- or even if just a few determined people say it -- then it'll really make a difference.  the demand for dvorak keyboards will make them available on the market, making it easier for people to buy.  then qwerty users will get laughed at, and eventually computers will come dvorak keyboards and force users to learn the new format.  the first few people will be hard to convince, but don't be lazy and just do it because you know it's right!!!